I have never really considered my thoughts "worthy" of publication. I never really considered publishing this for anyone's viewing until a good friend told me I might actually have something to say, and someone else might actually draw something from what I have to share.
Maybe I won't touch or inspire anyone. Maybe I will fall flat on my face, but if I don't try I will never know. Maybe I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe the reader is not the only one who feels this way.
I often let the comments and judgments of others rattle around in my brain, and take up space in my brain and heart. I let others convince me that I am not "good enough" or even just "enough." I mean, not even sufficient in the smallest and most insignificant way. Recently, I was actually told that I was not "good." I don't mean someone said something that made me feel "not good." I mean, they actually said I was worthless and useless.
This time though, my heart told me something different. This time my heart and my conscience told me that I was, in fact, "good." I heard the voice break through this time and tell me not only was I "good" and "enough," but that I was "Good Enough." That is to say, sufficient just as I am. That is to say, if I never made one more improvement in my entire life (which I hope I do, by the way) that my Heavenly Father made me and He is proud of me just as I am. He is satisfied with my life.
I wish I felt as satisfied with me. My humanity keeps me from fully realizing His plan for me. My need to "control" my world takes over. I push back the encouragement and shrug away feeling inadequate, because the enemy whispers into my ear.
The enemy whispers "You are not good enough. Why would anyone want to embrace you? You are fat. You sweat. You are gross. You are a loser. You are a failure. Who wants THAT in their life? Stay where you belong, with the garbage."
So, just as the enemy desired, I found myself seeking the least. Believing I was capable of no more, I allowed myself to be treated and discarded like garbage. Believing, and being told by real live human beings that I had no worth, I walked away from some really wonderful people and just accepted my fate as someone "less than."
In July of 2017, I decided I was either going to reclaim my life or I was going to just give up. I had no idea where my journey would take me. My doctor wanted me to consider bariatric surgery, an option I considered to be the mark of absolute failure for me. I knew I was where I was because I had been lazy- not because I had a medical issue. I was fat because I had given up on myself. I was fat because I had made poor choices. I was not fat due to a disease or an inability or disability. I was fat because of an "I can't" attitude. My doctor gave me a year to get it under control or he we was going to schedule me with specialists to get it moving because I was getting way too unhealthy.
So many things began to flood my mind. What if I had to have the surgery? What if I had to be out of work? What if I got fired for missing too much work? What if people laughed at me? So what if they did? People have surgery to change their bodies all the time? But NOT ME! I just wasn't open to the possibility.
Well, I knew I needed to exercise and I knew it was too damned hot outside to do it. What? Another excuse? Yes. That was not to deter me. And then winter would come and it would be "too cold." Or the summer rainstorms would come and it would be "too wet" and the fall would come and it would be "too dark." I decided to quash those excuses and join a gym. I decided to give myself "NO EXCUSES." I still had a LONG way to go but I was taking the first step. There was some mention in my initial consultation about a free fitness assessment.
So I joined the gym, went almost every day for several weeks, and then started wondering if I was supposed to ask about the fitness assessment. I was wondering if I it came after a certain amount of time. I didn't know if someone was going to offer it to me, or I had to seek it out. I had no idea.
Finally, I understood that these guys in the tee-shirts that sat at the desk over by the treadmills were the ones I was supposed to talk to about the assessment. SO, I did. I talked for about 30 minutes about target heart rates and ways to work out. Then I was talked to about how much it would cost me to find out the answers to these questions. I thought an assessment would be someone seeing where I was at this point and making a plan for me. It said "a free assessment." Well, the talking was free but the assessment was quite expensive. That said, the change in my lifestyle that would result from bariatric surgery definitely would have been "expensive" in time and effort and eating changes and many other things. So what was being asked was, over all, not that expensive.
I got a personal trainer and I worked hard for a year. Several months into my journey, I had made positive posts and I was told that I could be featured as a success story once I finally started losing weight. I was offered a chance to meet with a nutrition consultant. I met with her once and I was immediately told to write down a log of what I ate in a week and she would get back to me with a plan. The only other thing she said to me was "Well you can look like me because I take care of myself, or you can look like shit." The obvious judgment and message being that I "look like shit." I wrote the food log, sent it to her and heard nothing else. I also heard nothing else from the people who had offered this opportunity to me. I figured they had all decided I wasn't worth it.
I knew that even if my body was not changing, my mind certainly was changing. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was coming out of my shell and not being embarrassed to talk to people. I was not going to accept that people looked at me as only "the fat crappy body." Well, maybe my body was fat and crappy, but my mind was telling me that no matter how my body looked at that point, I was tired of looking like "shit" and feeling like "shit." I started working really hard at my nutrition and really putting in the effort more than ever before. It really changed the game for me.
I still have a LONG way to go, and it's a process. That's okay. I am worth the journey. Now that I have a roadmap, this journey can take me places I never knew I could go.
